Winter to Spring

the last 4 years

have been harder than I could have imagined

people I love died

trauma introduced itself and overstayed its welcome

God fell silent and life became mundane

and yet

the reflection I see in the bathroom mirror is almost


because I see a strength foreign to my brain

that is somehow

muscle memory to my heart

– life gets richer when you lean in


There's something I want to feel but I don't know what it is.
The expression confusing, yet delivering
What can I give?
What do I have to offer to a world that hasn't ever offered me anything at all?
I live in sadness but breathe like it's still
Quite a strangeness it is to be alive I twist and I churn and I burn inside 
And I cry
Because there's something I want to feel but I don't know what it will do to me
The fruits of freedom not consumed by me. 

Hidden Treasure

When you love me 
I lose control
As I am not used to 
the power you give me

When you love me
I become invincible
And I feel this intense happiness
That feels like it will never end

Until it does

And when it does
I lose control once more
I forget what I am
Who I am

And as I think of a way
To get back to feeling perfectly poised
My only solution I see
Is in you

But as I wait
To hear those 3 words
That perfected me
I am disappointed

I never hear them again

I long for them
Expect them to be spoken again
With the same impact
With the same genuine emotion

But still, I receive nothing

The hit
That I had become so addicted to 
Became impossible to find
And with it

I lost myself again

I realized 
That when you loved me
I felt worthy of love

I was a treasure
hidden in plain sight
Finally found

The pain
Still leads me to despair

I thank you for finding me
Noticing me
When I didn't know

I needed finding